Birbs

BACKGROUND: At least twice a day you have to get inside the bird exhibit for husbandry tasks. It’s one of my least favorite things to do for several reasons, but the biggest headache is the amount of people that flock over and… Well, you’ll see.

***All names have been changed to something ridiculous to protect their identity***

CHARACTERS:

Stevie

Birbra - A shorebird

The Family - Dad (Hemorrhoid), Mom (Fran), Son (Bamm-Bamm), and Daughter (Regina George)

3:52PM on a Saturday

Location:

Shorebirds Exhibit 

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A squawk from one of the shorebirds.

“No, Birbra. You can’t come down here. I’m still cleaning,” I said. 

I was crouched down in the front of the exhibit, shoveling small piles of rocks covered in poop into a bucket. Behind me was Birbra, one of the few terns we had that always had something to say and didn’t like being told no. 

She squawked again.

“No, you can’t have any more food either,” I replied.

Upset, Birbra took flight and landed in the back of the exhibit with the rest of the birds. I was almost done when I heard a family wander over to the viewing window covered by a mesh net. I couldn’t see them at first, but I could tell they were interesting characters based on the sounds and voices of their arrival.

There was the mother, who spoke through her nose like Fran Drescher (we’ll call her FRAN); the toddler son, who knew no words and instead hit everything in his vicinity with a toy (we’ll call him BAMM-BAMM); the pre-teen daughter, who was so spoiled I’m sure she thought she owned this place (we’ll call her REGINA GEORGE); and then there was the father, who you’ll learn all you need to know about him in a bit (we’ll call him HEMORRHOID).

“Excuse me, are them birds back there?” Hemorrhoid asked.

I sighed and turned towards them. “Yeah. They’re here. They’re in the back right now because I’m up here doing some cleaning.”

“Well, can you move?”

I paused. “Um, I’m sorry… What did you just say?”

“I said, can you move? You’re blocking our view.”

Can I move? Seriously, was this guy really asking that? I was so taken aback that I didn’t know how to respond. I remained still, like a deer caught in a pair of headlights.

He cleared his throat and talked even louder. “I said, can you move out of the way, please? We spent a lot of money today to come here, and we want to make sure we see everything.”

Bamm-Bamm took that as his cue to whack the mesh with his toy.

“Please, don’t do that,” I said

“Like, where are the birds, dad?” Regina George remarked, never taking her eyes off her bedazzled phone. 

“They’re in the back, sweetie. I’m trying to get the worker to move.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m working right now. So, unfortunately I can’t move.”

Hemorrhoid started to see red. “If you don’t move, we can’t see the birds. How is that fair?”

Bamm-Bamm hit the mesh again.

“Please, don’t do that.”

“He's just a child. He doesn’t know better,” Fran mumbled through her nose.

Birbra squawked in the distance.

Hemorrhoid’s ears perked up. “Hey, is that a bird I hear?”

Bamm-Bamm hit the mesh again.

Now, I was the one seeing red. “Please. Do. Not. Hit. The. Mesh.”

“Can we, like, go? I’m tired of this place. It smells like fish,” Regina George said.

Fran cleared her sinuses (it didn’t help her voice). “Oh, it’s an aquarium, honey. Of course it smells like fish.”

Hemorrhoid crossed his arms. “I can’t believe this. You’re gonna be the reason why we didn’t see everything at the aquarium. Remember that!”

In a huff, the family dispersed, but not before Bamm-Bamm hit the mesh one more time.

I sighed and stood in disbelief for a moment as the sad reality of nobody having manners, or knowing how to parent properly, hit me.

Then, a squawk from behind.

I turned. “No, Birbra, you can’t attack them either.”

THE END